Saturday, June 11, 2005 10:10:48 AM

Hi, my name is Matthias.

AA without God is dead. Service work without divine love is dead.

I drank too much, thatīs why Iīm here. Now Iīm an ex-alcoholic, because I was changed in character and nature by religious experience, by a spiritual awakening as step 12 puts it. Yesterday evening one speaker said "AA will never punish AA members". Well, Iīm an AA member and I was seriously punished by those who call themselves the leaders of AA. They promised they will destroy me. They filed criminal and civil lawsuits against my homegroup and especially against me in order to send me to jail. I was not afraid of them. Also you should not be afraid of such AA leaders, who do take actions against our AA principles. Do not trust your leaders unless they prove to be trustworthy. Make them responsible to you. Ask the hard questions. Check what they are doing. Kick them out and replace them by better ones when they fail.

From 1980 until 1982 I was already in jail under the communist system in East Germany. Why? I had said and written and distributed some truth which they did not like. Interestingly the accusation was according to articles 106 and 108 of the East German law. About 12 years later, after the peaceful revolution, I was rehabilitated. A court ruled that the court of 1980 was wrong and what I did was not criminal. I have no criminal record. I even received some restitution of about 5000 German Marks which I decided to spend for a trip to Mexico in 1993.

This was the first time I was in Mexico. I was here to watch the eclipse, but it was raining, so I did not see too much. But I met my first AA fellows here. At this time I was already sober and very actively working in the AA service structure. I served at the European Service Meeting, I was editor of the monthly AA magazine similar to your "Dimension", I sponsored many other AA servants in other countries such as Russia, Czechia and so on. I was part of the inner circle of AA leaders and saw what was going on.

There was a gap between the nice words in our literature, the nice picture of AA displayed to the public on one hand and what they really did on other hand. They were and still are Janus headed. There was much fight for power, prestige of service positions, business and money. Back then during four years I had attended 7 or more meeting per week and saw many, many newcomers attend. But in the meetings people talked about their treatment methods in alcoholic hospitals, what they did when drunk, about the trouble of today, about their silly wives, their crazy boss, their mad travel agency about their general misery.

Seldom the AA steps or God were mentioned, mostly this was lip service. AA without God is dead! I observed that hardly 2 or 5 out of a hundred newcomers stayed sober and gained a new lucky life. The foreword of the big book stated that in the beginning had a 75% recovery rate. In Cleveland, May 1939 Clarence Snyder started the first meeting in this world that called itself AA meeting. And they in Cleveland reported even recovery rates of 90%.

What I saw in Germany were recovery rates of less than 5%. Something was wrong here. I investigated the original text and found that the word spiritual was there about 100 times. Our German translation had replaced it by "psychological" or "mental". Why was AA in such bad shape? God was kicked out. AA without God is dead. And alcoholics die from drinking too much. Or they go insane and die then. Nothing else is to be expected, because we are obsessed by one false God named alcohol. We worship him, we sacrifice our lives and our souls. We sacrifice him our money, our jobs, our physical and mental health, our families, our friends, everything. We cannot do otherwise, because we are obsessed. Alcoholics have very strong willpower. Even if out of money we always found something to drink, somewhere somehow. But alcohol was our demon, our devil and the power greater than ourselves, that had us in his grip. Our willpower was nil regarding alcohol. Unless we tap a source of power greater than ourselves and greater than alcohol we were doomed. We were literally in hell and could not escape, no matter how much we tried, no matter how many friends, doctors or family members helped us.

Not so with the strong social drinkers that populated many German AA meetings. When they had enough pressure from their wives, or from the police that took their driving license, or from doctors that warned about liver or brain damage, or from their boss who threatened to fire them ... then they went to hospital for detox and were sent to AA for so-called "after care". There they could stay sober with group support. But they did not undergo any change in nature or character. If they were greedy, dishonest, aggressive or depressive, miserable or what have you when drinking they continued to be that way when they stopped drinking. It was enough for them to share their misery, spit the carnage in their souls on the meeting table and enjoy the pity from their peers in misery. This can keep strong drinkers alive, but it kills us alcoholics.

If you are a still suffering alcoholic like I was one, obbsessed by this fake God alcohol, then I suggest you seek out those guys in AA to meet with and get sponsorship from, who were changed by religious experience, who spontaneously recovered when they replaced the fake God alcohol by the real and almighty God. Thatīs the only way for us to leave hell. You see it in their eyes. You learn it from their loving service. AA without God is dead.

I had tried AA for two years without God. I could easily stop drinking. I did it about 500 times during those two years. But I was obsessed by alcohol. I could not stay stopped. I remember the night when the Berlin wall came down I had my last alcohol. The walls of my ego also came down.

A little later I remember myself laying on my bed -- or should I rather say laying on a pile of garbage. And I said a short prayer to God: "OK, you caught me. We will have to do it together."

This was a commitment, because I had no other way out. I did not like to do it, but I did it, and it came from the bottom of my heart. It was honest. And Godīs answer was: instant hope, light at the end of the tunnel.

I took paper and pencil and wrote pages and pages of inventory to find out about me and my past. I discovered who I was and shared this with my friends. I discovered I was not the only pig in Godīs world. However, this inventory was about me and I had to clean up my side of the street, no matter what my neighbors did, thought, or said. I started making restitution. This included meeting with those I had harmed, admitting my wrongs and asking forgiveness. Some I could not meet received letters. I had to pay back money to people I had cheated or stolen from. I started to pray for removal of character defects. And to my own surprise I observed myself telling the truth where I could have easily covered some fault with a little lie. I observed myself informing the salesperson in supermarket who happened to give me too much money back, when I easily could have left and keep the excess money for myself. I observed myself being not upset when others stepped on my toes though I easily could have been aggressive and call them names. Step 7 works.

Most importantly I lost those feelings of shame and guilt that always caused the stress and fear in me. My guilt was compensated or paid off or forgiven. No guilt any more. And I showed up as I really was. I did what was right. Nothing to hide anymore. No shame anymore. That simple - but hard to do. I learned that God does for us, what we canīt do for ourselves. And I want to add: what also no other people and no AA organization, committee or service board can do for us. AA without God is dead.

Following this course of action that we call the 12 steps, they can dig the ground, prepare the soil and put the seed into the earth and help water it when dry. Similar to the work a farmer does. This can be hard work. And such work should be done. But this work alone is no warranty for good harvest. That plants grow well and bear good fruit is none of our business. God is the invisible creator behind such success. The real miracle is performed by him.

I can take no pride in my work. On the spiritual level I cannot trade my efforts against success. I do not deserve it like I deserve monthly wages from my boss after the services rendered. Nor can I buy love or claim spiritual welfare in court. Its all a free gift from God. This is what we call "Grace of God". Grace is the constant awareness of Godīs loving presence in our lives. Thus we are reborn by water and spirit as the old teaching goes. Where water symbolically stands for time. And spirit of course, is not the spirit in the bottle but the healing holy spirit.

To wake up or to be born is a relatively sudden event, though it takes some time to happen. Actually it comes in waves, step by step. And to be born is not really a comfortable feeling. So..., my friends expect to suffer at certain times. But while it is bitter as hell to suffer, it is sweet as honey to have suffered. To tell others how we overcame pain and difficulties are the experiences we ought to share during our meetings. We are transformed by God, our old nature dies and disappears, we change shape and character and become a new creature.

Some of you will remember the picture I used in 1997 here in Mexico of the caterpillar who lives in a world of green leaves and knows nothing than to eat leaves and more leaves. When fed up, like we are fed up with alcohol, the caterpillar turns into a puppet and after a while a new creature comes to the day of light, a butterfly. The alcoholic is the caterpillar, the butterfly is the ex_alcoholic. We must become butterflies before we can enjoy all those beautiful flowers. I should rather say: We become butterflies to live a life of serenity and bliss and love and faith. Already the ancient Greeks knew that the butterfly is the divine soul in man. And they actually used the same word for both the soul and the animal.

After we are born, re_born we are little babies who face the adventures of the new world they are born into. First we need to be served by loving and caring spiritual parents -- which in AA we call sponsors. Later we grow up and need direct guidance from God. We still stumble and fall. Thatīs human. To lay on the ground and complain about our misery is hell. To stand up again and move on under Godīs direct guidance is divine. No other man between me and God here. No priest, no fortune teller, no astrology, no delegate, no trustee, no AA president. This is what step 11 is about. We learn Gods will for us directly through prayer and meditation.

Many atheists and agnostics say: How can one know Gods will? This is "mission impossible". About two years ago I had a discussion with our current German AA President who happens to be a Christian priest. Even he said to know Godīs will was impossible as such. Period. I politely asked him why then step 11 says we shall know Godīs will for us through prayer and meditation? Otherwise, if this was impossible weīd better change step 11 or cross it out entirely from the AA program. His answer was silence. And after a while he said something to the extent that Godīs will was the group conscience and the highest group conscience was represented by the General Service Board. This sounds to me as if they replaced God with a human organization and I should better shut up and do what they want. In fact little later he wrote a letter which was presented in public controversy to the German court. There he pointed out that nobody is entitled to carry the AA message in print except with the blessings of the AA board and the lawsuit to prevent that what he called copyright violation is perfectly in line with AAīs combined group conscience. I, Matthias, was a false prophet he wrote. Well, I was not too surprised. Jesus, whose example is always on my mind, was accused of similar things. Why should I be treated better than my spiritual master, whose steps I humbly try to follow?

Once we know Godīs will it often seems to be too much for us. God often picks people who seem to be inappropriate for the job. For example Moses was called by him to lead the Jews out of Egypt. Moses was a wanted murderer in Egypt, the police would put him into prison as soon as he arrived. Moreover he could not speak correctly. But despite all excuses, as we know today got his will done. He provides unlimited sources of power to accomplish the works he wants to be done. If we make one step towards God HE makes ten steps towards us. Don't believe me a word. Check it out yourselves.

And what is Godīs will for us? Bear fruit and multiply! Thatīs His will for us. I understand this is meant on all three levels of human existence, physically, mentally and spiritually. And what are the fruits we shall bear? Peace, love, knowledge of truth, forgiveness, mercy, silence before Godīs face, hope, full life, joy, bliss, serenity. There is more ahead. These are the fruits we shall bear and share with others. Because different from material things, if we give away love or joy we end up having more than before. God does the math in other ways than we usually do. Thatīs why we gave away 20.000 copies of El Libro Azul for no money but for free. In turn we gathered voluntary contributions and used them to make a fourth edition of the big book which was then given away to alcoholics in the U.S. And I take the opportunity here to thank those among you who donated their two cents for the maintenance of our group's work.

When I ran out of money for my defense against the multiple lawsuits from AA against me miracles happened. The criminal charges of AAWS Inc. New York were dropped by the court. In turn the criminal charges from German GSO were dropped too. So this was off of my back. One of the civil lawsuits against me and one non-alcoholic who was involved in book distribution was lost by the plaintiffs. However one civil lawsuit from AA Germany and one from AA USA was still pending. They claimed hundreds of thousands of dollars compensation for alleged losses in sales, because they claimed giving away big books in many languages for free was unfair competition and a threat to the financial interest of their business. The judges believed them and condemned me to pay all my defense cost plus the courts cost plus the plaintiffs lawyers cost, altogether more than $100.000 US dollars. I had already paid my defense cost over the years since 1997 but part of the court cost and plaintiffs cost was now demanded at once. This was in end of 2003. I started paying off monthly rates but they would not accept that. I was requested by them to sell my soul to them by signing kind of a devils contract in exchange for delay or pay the remaining 47.000 dollars at once. I asked for Godīs will and He did not want me to be their slaves and never again carry the message of recovery for the rest of my life. So he had to perform another miracle, and really my bank had no objection to driving my bank account deep in the debts and pay them off at once. Otherwise AA Germany and AA US had the option to send the sheriff and put me into jail. And we were sharply before that. Thank God. He keeps his promises. Shortly after this happened I got job opportunities for very well paid work and I worked like a dog. What I could earn during the last year equaled more than I had been punished with by AA. Thatīs how God does the math. Moreover, I got word from one guy who was present at secret meeting, where the AA lawyers suggested to the German AA officers that though they had won the lawsuit and the court encouraged them to seek thousands or even millions of dollars punitive damages in two other lawsuits to follow, these AA lawyers suggested that they drop this idea, because the giving away of the big books had not done any harm to their business but on the contrary caused an all time high in their book sales. So I am free to continue to carry the message. And you know what? El Libro Azul was not part of any of the many lawsuits. You can still make use of it if only you decide you want to. Ask your delegates what they are willing to do with this information. {This 'story' was originally directed towards members of Sección Mexico}

In Germany we have delegates and are chairs who take so-called service positions for reasons other than love. One from the Frankfurt area told me right into the face that she was taking the position, because it would give her power over other people, she would be a celebrity in local meetings and be honored by many folks. And by the way she could drive around in the country and attend workshops, conventions and so forth for no single penny, because AA pays for travel expenses, food and hotel. Are these the right reasons to do service work? Service work without divine love is dead. AA without God is dead.

Thanks for your attention.

Yours Matthias

May God bless you all!